11/10/2006

terms, coming to

I was in full throttle, in that relationship. I was not prepared for it to end when it did, like it did. So I can be forgiven for having some difficulty slamming on the brakes.

It hurts to let go of him, but it hurts almost as badly to let go of the idea that I had of him. I thought he was a better man than this. But the breakup, the fact that he can let me go like this, seriously calls the last ten months into question, ten months when I've been happier and more in love than I've ever been with anyone. It sends me over and over the relationship, playing it all back in slow motion, examining every frame in excrutiating detail, looking for the evidence that he was, all the while, someone who was capable of betraying me the way he did, at my birthday party of all places. I knew he had a self-destructive streak, but I thought he trusted me, and my judgment, and he assured me that he loved me so much that he would never do anything to hurt me. I took it for granted, after he came back in May, that he was around for the long haul, that any issues that came up we would deal with together, and above all, I took it on faith that I could trust him.

It hurts so bad, to think back through everything we did together with this new idea of him. It makes me no longer understand who he was, and what we had. When the one person you think you can trust in your life betrays you, who are you supposed to rely on? Clearly I can't rely on myself, since my judgment was clouded enough to let me get so involved with this person. There are my family and friends at home, of course, but they aren't here for the day-to-day. I have friends here, but no one who knew me before I moved here, and the two good friends I made here have since returned to New York. There are friendships currently under construction, but some are with people passing through Paris, which makes me reticent to get emotionally invested.

Who am I supposed to trust? What am I meant to have faith in, after this?

It doesn't matter, I suppose. I just have to get through the everyday. I move through the week, through the familiar spaces, the turnstiles, the stairwells. I see familiar faces, students, colleagues. I sleep a lot. I read a little. And I write. I pour myself into the creative process. That's the only thing that will always be there for me.

And somewhere above my head, the neighbors play "Don't You Forget About Me" on their stereo.

14 comments:

Gillian Young said...

The song that killed me when my heart was broken used to go: "This'll take me a while, because for now I miss your smile." It was a much weaker relationship than what you had, but god I missed having that smile turn my way.

I'm not in Paris, and I haven't known you that long, but let me be someone you can trust. My relationships all feel fleeting, and my life far from solid, but there are certain people I like so much that I feel the need to hold on to. You're one of them.

Put some Ray Charles on your iPod and dance through the days. The better ones come eventually.

eurobrat said...

Oh, that is the worst.

I hope that happier times come upon you soon.

xx

laura said...

It hurts this stranger to read what you've written because you're suffering so much and your lucid writing leaves no doubt whatsoever about that. I wish you weren't. I wish you had more comfort there. Take care, Lauren. Your talent and your courage will see you through.

VJ said...

I went through this hell recently as well... But it pass and then you see sun brighter than ever.
I was painting and writing, when I felt bad. The things that came out were really masterpieces!

And don't forget, that it is so good that you discovered this quite early!

Be creative - free your minds, create masterwork!

Anonymous said...

Living in Paris, you probably don't get all the typical English cliches. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "What goes around, comes around", "There are plenty more fish in the sea", "Every grey cloud has a silver liniing".

Personally, I always hated the cliches, especially when I was hurting most.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Anthony you forgot:
Crisis is opportunity
and
Love is blind
probably a good thing too IMO or not much would happen..
Your writing here is beautiful Lauren.
Read Carson McCullers, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.
Really, his bad faith does not reflect on you - a hard lesson to learn. Do not blame yourself.
PB

Julia said...

I'm sitting here on the other side of the world and feeling so much pain, too.

I feel blocked from writing how I feel, so thank you for writing your words, so similar to my thoughts.

You're an amazing person.

maitresse said...

thank you for that, all of you.

it bears clarifying that by referring to him as "this person" I'm attempting to distance myself from him. mais n'empeche que j'ai toujours envie d'etre avec lui, qu'il revienne, qu'il prenne la decision de se debloquer des tensions qui le provoque a telles actions totalement imprévues et inopinées.

Mlle Smith said...

It's strange that love...something so tender and beautiful can be so tragic and crushing.

I hope things will improve soon...thank you for writing this. It helps me to see my own feelings affirmed in your writing. I haven't yet the courage to pen my feelings as you have so bravely done; perhaps one day I will

In the meantime, thank you for sharing this...

Miss Anna Louise said...

If no one else, you can trust yourself Lauren. Your judgement doesn't have to be spot on all the time, and you don't have to be afraid of opening up and placing your faith in people because deep down you know that you have the strength and the resilience to go on. Its a valuable lesson I learned after being badly betrayed by someone I loved. As emotive and creative beings we cannot wrap our hearts in cotton wool. Pour it out- build something beautiful from the ruins. A x

Anonymous said...

He probably won't change the way you would like him to.

My cliché two cents: It's his loss. You are remarkable.

Hang in there.

Lola is Beauty said...

Oh my God, my heart goes out to you. That post just said it all, nailed the feeling. Keep writing it all out and be kind to yourself. xx

PutYourFlareOn said...

Hi there,

I've been reading your blog for a long time and I feel compelled to comment today. What you've experiencing is so amazingly difficult and I'm so sorry that it's happened. Think of this, if you hadn't give your all to this relationship, how would you have felt about that? Everything is a risk, love, making new friends, moving to France, etc... you've taken the risk and like you wrote, you had the most wonderful times of your life but with that also comes the risk of pain of heartache. I think it's been said above, obviously you are a remarkable person and this guy has totally lost out. I know, easier said than to live it. But as time goes on it will get easier and you will trust again. Hang in there...

Anonymous said...

wow. reading this is so painful. it is almost one year since i left a really bad relationship. she was an alcoholic and the thing so striking about what you write reminds me of what i experienced most strongly -- this incredible unmooring of myself from myself. once i finally left, i looked back and couldn't believe the shit i'd put up with and the things i never let myself actually see. she was fucked up for sure, but i felt i was way more fucked up for not guarding more vigilantly against something so ridiculous. i felt, for a long time, like a crazy person. finally i eased up on myself. the pain will pass, the ability to trust will heal, all will be well in the end. and a beautiful, bumbling, unplannable life you will continue to live with new people and new relationships. enjoy.